Its an Illusion

Is it an illusion or you are really gone? I mean, really, I will not see you, talk to you, hug you, feel you, fight with you, care for you, listen to you ever again. really?

I think it’s all illusion and you are here and alive. Only I have seen the observation of your death. If I reverse it, maybe I can have you again. Yeah, if quantum physics is true, then it is likely right we observed wrong. What if we change our observation? Then will the alternate reality come true, where you are here and with me?

I really do not understand or not able to understand if death is inevitable, what is the need for suddenness of it? Chanchal went within a few hours, leaving her five-year-old grappling for answers. She kept on weeping “Mummy utho”, but no mummy was gone, never to wake up. Now her husband would remarry, get the same relationship again, but what about the child? Losing mother at five years old, I cannot imagine what she must have gone through. How unjust is that? And would she not be imagining what her life would be if her mother was alive even now? and actually, yes, her life would be entirely different. She will never have what others have, her cousins. She can never have that, and is it not unfair? It really is. If Chanchal had to go, she had no right to bear and bring this girl in to the world to suffer.

Same goes for me. If mummy wanted to leave so early and so sudden, she had no right to love me the way she did.

How do you believe the person is gone? I find it hard to accept or even believe that the person who was here yesterday now is only a memory. Person who was flesh and blood is now only a picture. We find it hard to accept or even believe that the person who was here yesterday, who was a mother, a wife, an individual, is now untraceable. Is life really so harsh and if it is, why do we even strive to find happiness? There is none, there will be none.

What is happiness, anyway? Only distractions are there. I am happy watching TV 24/7. I do still think mummy is not here, but it does not bother as to the point of strangulating me, when I am watching TV. Distraction is happiness? Is it? If yes, then I should have let mummy watch TV for the duration she wanted. or If I am mindlessly searching for Korean beauty or nail-polish, which I anyway won’t buy, I am at peace. So peace is a distraction.

Focus is not what we need. We need distraction to get away from grief, or be at peace usually, or even be happy. Make your brain so engaged in something frivolous that it has no time to think on things which might affect you. And why shouldn’t you? How does it matter really about what you learn, what you gain, what you earn (As long as you meet basic needs)? What is the purpose? There is none. You are born, you will die. Unnecessarily, you are spending time in finding meaning to life when there is none. Yeah, why to seek salvation and enlightenment while living? We will anyway be peaceful when we are dead and in vicinity of God as well. Why strive for that now? It’s nothing but a hoax for finding something to do.

Yeah exactly, we come here to experience basic human emotions right, so why not just experience that? Why does spirituality frown upon sex, then? Isn’t that one experience a soul cannot have without the body? And we come individually for individual experiences. What is the need for any relation then? Apart from your mother, who is required to give birth to you, why do you need anything else? You are born and you will die. No one is in between. What is the purpose of having siblings? a family? extended relations! you need nothing, and there is no logic in getting close to anyone other than possible heartbreak and loss. The lesser the better. Talk to everyone, just do not get involved with anyone. Every action, every experience, try keeping it purely physical. Try not getting your emotions involved. You should be good.

This one year my life could have been the best, it turned out the worst. Finally, my mom was going to India was going to have her life, meet her family and stay alone. All things she would have liked. And if she was having those, I would have been happiest here, enjoying with my son, telling her daily what he is up to, though ironically the last we spoke and she asked what did he do new, I told her nothing new as he is going to school, all same tactics.

If I would have known it was last we would speak, I could have told her. We planned to go out to take papa to ifly, I could have had a video call with her.

Well, what could have been? It turned the worst. i.e. Nothing. I am left alone, still grappling to understand what happened and why?

Can anyone answer this to me? Why did this happen now, this year and this way? So sudden, so soon? Most importantly, why now? Why?