I don't think I have said it enough, it never can be said enough- I love you Mummy. I always have and always will. I have felt your presence too and I am so thankful for that, but I am greedy for more. I miss the physical presence so much. I have so many regrets...there is no end to the list. My too much focus on controlling the diet, my too much focus on making you independent( why and why at this age I have no idea), My too much fear which came in between enjoying the time. I ruined every perfect moment. I miss you so much . You endured it all, still loved me and tried to make me understand the process of letting go, which I failed to understand then and I fail to understand it now.
I wish you can communicate with me daily even now and make your presence feel. That is the straw of hope on which I am hanging on to.
Love you and miss you more than you would ever know.
prachisharma658
Aug 17, 2022
2 min read
There are good days and bad days, then there are worst days. But on 3rd April 2022, I faced the disaster of my life. The day, I wish was never created in the history of mankind. This date is forever blacklisted in my life and I wish this day could be rolled back.
Why so dramatic you might think? What did I lose?
I lost my smile on that day
I lost my sense of life on that day
I lost my stability on that day
I lost my hope on that day
I lost love of my life on that day
I lost faith on that day
I lost myself on that day
I lost my mom on that day.
My mom, my strength, my person, my lifeline, reason for my smile. I lost it all on that day. I did not just lose a person, I lost everything on that day.
My mom was only 67 years old, She had just gone to India after staying in USA with me for 2 years(due to corona and her immunocompromised health). Finally she was planning to meet her family after two years. But just 3 weeks after she left USA and landed in India, she left, she left so suddenly. I was planning to go visit her in May once she settles down. I had initially planned to go with her, but that did not happen .
It was so sudden, I spoke to her on 1st and after that she was sick, sick so suddenly, she was surrounded by doctors, each saying nothing to worry, but she proved each of them wrong and just left.
3 weeks in India, did not meet anyone of her family, its like she just went to India to leave the world.
The tragic nature of her going added to the loss. We had basic dreams all left unfulfilled...
A life lost, but shattered pieces of so many left behind. I am one of them
Why is time ticking away? Why is it moving constantly..
The tighter I hold , the faster it goes..
The more I want to run away from it, the longer it lingers?
Why ?
Does it take sadistic pleasure in seeing me fail?
Or is it teaching me to let go?
Today is the last day of the year. I am not sure if I should be happy that this year is over, the worst of my life, or should be sad that this was the last year when I spent some time with you in your physical form.
This is a tricky situation, one end I am so eager for this year and any obligation to use it in date to end, on the other end I so want to hold it forever and clinch it as tightly as possible to never let the year when I had spent time with you to end.
From next year onwards it will never be a happy year for me. No matter what, no matter what I accomplish, or what all we add in our lives, the last year that started happy for me was 2022 and it will remain so. No matter how many more members we add in our family, we always will be one person short going in to 2023 and that fact will not change and neither will it let me say happy new year ever again.
A year is happy when you have your lifeline with you. My years were happy when I had you with me.
I am feeling such strong urge to somehow stop the clock from ticking, from moving forward, from ticking even one second more. In reality I do not want the year to end. I would want to live with this year when I was able to hug you and wish you happy new year rather than enter into a year which is void of you. It does not make sense, it never will. Any year where you are not physically there is no year to cherish. Ever.
Everyone told me, time will heal the wound, I will feel the pain of loss lesser and lesser as time passes. But does it really happen?
In my opinion what happens is exactly the opposite. The pain intensifies. The feeling of loss is so intense that it almost kills you. But as they whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that holds true in this case as well. Initially when you have the loss, or you get the news, you are numb and that numbness continues for days and weeks and you try to get back to the life that was. You feel, you have overcome the hardest part, episodes of anger and denial are fewer and you are just doing what you did earlier. But then suddenly after a few weeks, the realization hit you, the trigger could be you pressing the speed dial button to call your mom, or finding a recently knit sweater by her for your two year old son. The numbness is gone and finally the enormity of it all sets in. The realization that you can never call her, that she will never talk to you or advice you ever. The fact that you cannot hug her anymore hits you and getting back up from that, is a battle hard to win. There is no win here. Its all loss, whether I try running away from the thought, whether I take it head-on , whether I try giving it any spiritual twist, fact is I cannot hug her ever again (in this body and in her human form which I knew as my mother).
As time passes that thought , the resignation , the helplessness of not talking to her, not able to have our daily calls, not being able to discuss my son with her, magnifies. I cannot comfort myself by saying okay in sometime I will get to talk to her. No I cannot tell my son, yes she will come back to your house. I cannot fool myself in to thinking I will ever touch her feet again. And there the time with its passing instead of healing, does the job of putting salt on my scars. The scars on my heart, have no way to heal as there is none. The loss is permanent and so is the scar. Loss is irreversible and so is the emptiness and the void of the heart.
Neither will or can time heal it nor any person.
No matter how many more relations I add in my life, I will always be less one person. One person who was the center of my being, who gave me my identity and my life. How can time or anything ever heal the wound created by this existential loss?
It never can.
When you have a kid your motherly instincts rise, and they are supposed to , as that ways you will care for the helpless infant. You love them, you are asked to love them . You make them the center of your universe. For them you are the world. That is how it is and that is how everyone will say it should be.
When my mom left this realm, I was told to think and live for my child. understandable. They wanted me to love him more, live for his happiness and show him what happiness is.
Fine, I will do that, but then Am I not setting him up for loss and heartache.
I can get close and close to him, I can be his world and he be mine, But if he asks me Mummy never leave me, will I do that for him? Will I stay here till he is ready? No I will leave as soon as my so called purpose is fulfilled. Then who in the world gave me the right to make him so dependent on me, or show him what a good person I am, that he is left crippled when I leave? Just as I am now that my mom is gone. I don't know how to continue living and for what and why? Wont he feel the same? Am I not setting him up for discontent and dissatisfaction at life? Am I not going to set his expectations high as being his go to person and then will leave him without a warning. How selfish of me.
I bring an infant in to the world and do not give him the assurance of being there for him till he needs me. No I will leave when I deem right. That is all.
Why was I born?
Why did I come here?
What will I achieve in the life?
Why do I need to know and fulfill my purpose?
Why is purpose so important?
why did my mother die?
Why did she love me so much?
Why did she give me birth if she knew she is going to have to die?
Why is life so unfair?
Why is my life hell?
Why is life in general a pain?
Why did I give birth to my son, when I know I will die and leave him alone?
Is it an illusion or you are really gone? I mean, really, I will not see you, talk to you, hug you, feel you, fight with you, care for you, listen to you ever again. really?
I think it’s all illusion and you are here and alive. Only I have seen the observation of your death. If I reverse it, maybe I can have you again. Yeah, if quantum physics is true, then it is likely right we observed wrong. What if we change our observation? Then will the alternate reality come true, where you are here and with me?
I really do not understand or not able to understand if death is inevitable, what is the need for suddenness of it? Chanchal went within a few hours, leaving her five-year-old grappling for answers. She kept on weeping “Mummy utho”, but no mummy was gone, never to wake up. Now her husband would remarry, get the same relationship again, but what about the child? Losing mother at five years old, I cannot imagine what she must have gone through. How unjust is that? And would she not be imagining what her life would be if her mother was alive even now? and actually, yes, her life would be entirely different. She will never have what others have, her cousins. She can never have that, and is it not unfair? It really is. If Chanchal had to go, she had no right to bear and bring this girl in to the world to suffer.
Same goes for me. If mummy wanted to leave so early and so sudden, she had no right to love me the way she did.
How do you believe the person is gone? I find it hard to accept or even believe that the person who was here yesterday now is only a memory. Person who was flesh and blood is now only a picture. We find it hard to accept or even believe that the person who was here yesterday, who was a mother, a wife, an individual, is now untraceable. Is life really so harsh and if it is, why do we even strive to find happiness? There is none, there will be none.
What is happiness, anyway? Only distractions are there. I am happy watching TV 24/7. I do still think mummy is not here, but it does not bother as to the point of strangulating me, when I am watching TV. Distraction is happiness? Is it? If yes, then I should have let mummy watch TV for the duration she wanted. or If I am mindlessly searching for Korean beauty or nail-polish, which I anyway won’t buy, I am at peace. So peace is a distraction.
Focus is not what we need. We need distraction to get away from grief, or be at peace usually, or even be happy. Make your brain so engaged in something frivolous that it has no time to think on things which might affect you. And why shouldn’t you? How does it matter really about what you learn, what you gain, what you earn (As long as you meet basic needs)? What is the purpose? There is none. You are born, you will die. Unnecessarily, you are spending time in finding meaning to life when there is none. Yeah, why to seek salvation and enlightenment while living? We will anyway be peaceful when we are dead and in vicinity of God as well. Why strive for that now? It’s nothing but a hoax for finding something to do.
Yeah exactly, we come here to experience basic human emotions right, so why not just experience that? Why does spirituality frown upon sex, then? Isn’t that one experience a soul cannot have without the body? And we come individually for individual experiences. What is the need for any relation then? Apart from your mother, who is required to give birth to you, why do you need anything else? You are born and you will die. No one is in between. What is the purpose of having siblings? a family? extended relations! you need nothing, and there is no logic in getting close to anyone other than possible heartbreak and loss. The lesser the better. Talk to everyone, just do not get involved with anyone. Every action, every experience, try keeping it purely physical. Try not getting your emotions involved. You should be good.
This one year my life could have been the best, it turned out the worst. Finally, my mom was going to India was going to have her life, meet her family and stay alone. All things she would have liked. And if she was having those, I would have been happiest here, enjoying with my son, telling her daily what he is up to, though ironically the last we spoke and she asked what did he do new, I told her nothing new as he is going to school, all same tactics.
If I would have known it was last we would speak, I could have told her. We planned to go out to take papa to ifly, I could have had a video call with her.
Well, what could have been? It turned the worst. i.e. Nothing. I am left alone, still grappling to understand what happened and why?
Can anyone answer this to me? Why did this happen now, this year and this way? So sudden, so soon? Most importantly, why now? Why?
prachisharma658
Dec 9, 2022
1 min read
- maybe I am selfish and want the world to work as per my wish and it is not and hence I am angry,
- Maybe I am helpless , I miss my mom, I miss seeing her, touching her, hugging her and talking to her daily over phone. I cannot undo this, we only cremated the body, I know there is no coming back, so I am angry, angry at the world, at every one including myself
- maybe I am scared and insecure of everything. I lost my mom, I don't want to lose anyone else and I know I cannot do any thing about that either and so I am angry.
- maybe I have accepted the fact that I cannot change my mom's life anymore? I cannot fulfill her wishes and I am angry
- maybe I have resigned to the destiny now and I am angry.
- maybe I have lost all hope and faith and trust I had one supreme is broken and hence I am angry.
- I have reasons to be angry and so I am angry
prachisharma658
Dec 9, 2022
2 min read
-Where are you mummy now? What are you up to?
-Do you miss the food? Do you have cravings for unfulfilled food desires?
-Do you think, if you would have known you will leave so soon, would you have been living any different? Would you have forced yourself more (you already were doing that for last 40 years, but still) or you would have given up entirely?
-How did the moment of leaving felt like? Was it really as peaceful as they say?
-Were you scared while leaving the body?
- Were you scared ever in life? On your first night? when you lost the baby? when you went for angioplasty? when you went for kidney transplant? When you started dialysis? When you transplant did not happen on date decided? When you had severe reaction to medicine and whole body swell and you lost consciousness?
- Did you ever feel angst on your family or people in your life for the choices they made for you, for not understanding you better, even us when we forced you so much for food and diet?
- Why did you bear all this? Why did you not rebel? I know you did what you thought was right and you felt was right. You had no choice?
- Did we ever ask you how did you feel? We tried understanding you but did we ever ask?
I am sorry Mummy. For the things I could not change and control and for the things I could have but didn't do (like letting go of strict diet and weight reduction)
- Did you deal with everything alone? Did you share with anyone? You told us so less, why ? were we not receptive enough?
We should not tell our kids our nightmares, we should not worry our parents of our worries , we should not tell siblings and affect their lives, do we have anyone in this world, or are we alone in the world full of relations?
prachisharma658
Dec 9, 2022
1 min read
Anger is a response to something happening which you do not like, Your body and mind does not agree to.
It is a defense mechanism to deal with things , to keep you out of danger.
For example, if you are in a situation which you cannot control, like a loss, a loss so huge that leaves you numb. You are not able to move forward even an inch. But then a thought comes, this world is so unfair, everyone is so selfish and unfair, the god is no good.
You feel an adrenaline rush, and you can move forward.
In current life I have, anger is working for me, it is keeping me alive, yes its not love (it is there love of my son and my family) but its anger, what pulls me out of bouts of sadness, I find myself in so frequently.
When I am in depths of sadness, and remorse on what should have been, what could have been and why what happened was not at all fair and what I missed and I am missing the physicality of my mom, I think on what my definition of right would be and what I wish should happen. These are angry thoughts and my mood shifts.
Both are bad, but for me for now, anger is working to keep me afloat.
prachisharma658
Dec 9, 2022
1 min read
Mummy I miss you so much, I never imagined it would be so intense, so severe the loss of your physical presence. The umbilical cord between us is not yet broken it seems. I don't think it ever can. The bond we have, the relationship we had was mother-daughter, friends, confidantes, teacher-student, nurse-patient (with me being the strictest nurse possible on earth,)
Without touch of empathy, its not that I did not feel your pain, I felt is so much that I wanted you to experience it again, I felt is so much that your dreams became mine, I did not even realize when that happened.
Even now if you ask me what are my personal dreams, i have none, I am at such a loss. I wanted to work, for you, I wanted to earn more and more money, just so that I never have to look to anyone for your medical needs.
I understood you so much, that I started controlling your life more than I did mine.
I felt your loneliness so much, I tried being your equal in discussions and started giving lectures.
I saw your dreams so much, that I wanted you to reach and fulfill them, even when you were not ready for them
Most of all I was so dependent on you, that now I am a lost bird in this wide sky flying directionless.
I am a lost fish in the deep ocean, swimming aimlessly.
I am a lost soul in the world, just serving my time.
prachisharma658
Oct 16, 2022
1 min read
You enjoyed and celebrated each and every event, every festival with such fervor. You were a patriot at heart, the way you celebrated independence day and republic day, just like any other festival. We would have sweets and traditional dish of poori and kheer, you always made sure it was special. Till now I feel the need to celebrate the day, to do something nice for the society, a good deed for the needy. Now a days other than educational institutions, no one pays attention to national holidays, the story of our independence is now old and has lost its valor for our generation and next. The subtle ways you made us remember the day is more than what our schools did.
I remember after having my child, I used to think we have to make the festivals special for them, not by telling them stories, but by associating some fun memories to them which they can go back to even when they grow up. Not sure if I ever told you, but it is because of you that I got that idea. Because we remember the festivals because of you, because of how you made them special for us and not because of what we were told about country, religion or faith in school.
you would have enjoyed this years celebration, rishu did a dance and it was all sunny and you could have easily gone there in your wheel chair.
I am so sorry you could not enjoy it.
prachisharma658
Sep 6, 2022
1 min read
Life is still, not a motion in sight
Each day passes, passes by in plight
Every damn second moves at snail's pace.
Days also I am not able to erase
Life is stuck, stuck to a date
Every breadth I take is filled with hate
Past is all I have , future is no more.
Every moment from now I can only ignore.
if only I could rewind the clock
I can be part of the shock
prachisharma658
Sep 6, 2022
2 min read
They say the experience shape you for the better or worse. They say it is you life events which make or break you. They even say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
My own, very own mother's death did not kill me. No really I am still alive, my organs are all working fine. I am still breathing, yes doing that inhale and exhale religiously.
I am eating on time, sleeping on schedule. I am what you would call a living organism.
But then.. Am I?
Am I still living? Or I am a dead person walking, literally?
What is death? In medical terms, death is when the organs of your body shuts down, and the body is no longer performing the functions it is supposed to perform.
They say being dead is body gets cold, and stiff. I am always cold, as my blanket of perpetual warmth and love is taken away from me. Am I dead?
They say dead cannot do anything, understand anything, well robot is not alive and I do my work on autopilot, does this mean I am dead?
Is there anything called Dead while living? If there is such a condition I am that.
I am just passing each day painfully, they move now slower than a snail.
Not sure why am I being forced to live, live for relations and responsibilities I have.
But living like this, when you either put your body through so much grind that you barely have time to think, or you just wish each second your heart stops or keep wishing for even a moment when it does not hurt this much, when your do not break in to a million pieces, does this have any meaning?
Does this even have any logic, or just because we do not support suicide as a society we are finding reasons to continue.
What does not kill you, kills you more . I saw my mother, after every disease she overcame, she was weaker with the struggle and not stronger. My mothers death did not kill me, but if it had killed me it was better. It made me worse than death could ever be.,
prachisharma658
Sep 6, 2022
1 min read
Who will hug me the way you did.
Who will hold me the way you did
Who will understand me the way you did
Who will look for good in my tantrums
Who will see me as me, the way you did
Who will make my favorites the way you did
Who will laugh the way you did
Who will nurture the child in me the way you did
Who will hold me close the way you did
Who will fight for me the way you did
Who will stand for me the way you did.
Who will cry with me the way you did.
Who will let me be the way you did
Who will love me the way you did.
prachisharma658
Aug 29, 2022
1 min read
I am sorry you could not meet your family. When you came here and said, you fear you will not be able to meet your family, I thought that is most absurd thought I have heard, that your fear is unfounded, and has no credibility. Who would have thought you knew almost two years before that you will not get to meet your family ?
I am sorry you never got to see Ganga's ghat . You would have loved the hustle bustle of triveni ghat.
I am sorry you could not go through the lanes of Raja Mandi again.
I am sorry you could not see the gokul pura house again, the house where you grew up, the house where you saw your mom last.
I am sorry, you could not lead a more normal life.
I am sorry you had to be dependent on us, which you did not like at all.
I am sorry your life was not what it should have been, and what you deserved.
I am sorry on behalf of this world for the unfair treatment shown.
prachisharma658
Aug 17, 2022
1 min read
to laugh
to have friends
to dress up and go out
to have new experiences
to try new cuisines
to travel
to earn and grow money
to have a family
Why is this not normal?
to grieve on losing someone, from the very family we were part of ? Having a family is recommended, but if you lose someone from same family, you are expected to move one?
to not want to travel after you lost someone, with whom you used to travel?
to not want to eat the things which the person you lost, loved eating and that memory is too hard to handle?
to not want to try new experiences, as you are still not able to let go off things you did with your person?
to not want to laugh as laughing makes you cry?
to not want to earn money as the sole reason you were working and earning was for the person you lost?
to not have friends, as now these superficial relations no longer matter?
I am too tired of trying to be normal now, too tired to try as well.
This is my new normal: Sulking, sad, introverted human -just serving my time here on the earth.
prachisharma658
Aug 17, 2022
3 min read
Why am I being asked to move on?
"Move on for your child" You are asking me to move on for the mother-child bond and asking me not to feel the loss of same bond I had with my mother? Why is it an issue I do not move on ever?
Why am I being judged, If I don't want to go out or have fun? - Why is it that I need to fit in to the frame of grief dictated by society?
Why can't I have my time or my pace?
Why is it an issue if I do not want to "get over it" ? Why is it so hard to understand, there are only one or two relationships in your life which can completely break you. Why Is it an issue If I just survive the rest of my life?
Why is it an issue if I don't feel like talking or going out or pretend to have fun?
Why is it an issue if instead of having episodes where I miss her, I miss her all the time, every waking moment of my life?
Why is it an issue, if the intensity of pain and loss is going up with time instead of going down?
Why is it an issue if I can still feel the same impact on recollecting that dreaded phone call from my sister
"shagun mummy nahin hain"
Why is it an issue if this worst sentence of my life keeps ringing in my ear 24/7 ?
Her body coming from Morgue and she lying so peacefully in that white sheet, brought like a package being delivered. Why is it an issue if I cannot get that image out of my head even for a moment? Why is it an issue if that image numbs me down even now?
Why is it an issue if while playing with my son, I am thinking about my mom and the fact that I cannot have mother-daughter time with her, kills me every second?
Why is it an issue if I don't want to eat the things she wanted to eat but could not due to her health, what she wanted to eat but I stopped her due to her health and what she wanted to eat tons, again she could not ?
Why is it an issue if I can remember each moment in the day on what she would be doing?
Why is it an issue , If I feel so angry at that world, that I cannot control it.
Why is it an issue if everyone with both parents, seem selfish to me?
Why is it an issue If I want to cut off completely from everyone who showed selfish nature during the worst time of my life.
Why is it an issue if I just want to survive and not thrive?
Why is it an issue if sole reason I am alive is my son. He lost one mother already and I cannot do that to him.?
Why is it an issue If I don't want to meet people and see places. If I can just pass a day without crying that is victory to me?
Why is it an issue if every morning I get up feeling an overwhelming sense of loss and regret?
Why is it an issue if I go to sleep every night hoping I can rewind the clock t o 2nd April and talk to her?
Why is it an issue if the feeling of loss and helplessness is so overpowering that it basically kills you?
Why is it an issue if secretly I wish everyone's parents ( >67 years) one should leave the world, so that everyone is in same boat?
Why is it that everyone I know has both parents alive? Why this injustice to me and more so to my mom, that she left so sudden and so soon?
Why is it an issue to let me be?
Why is it an issue if I never will be NORMAL again?
prachisharma658
Aug 20, 2022
2 min read
When did you just turn in to a photo.. Just a photo.
I find it hard to believe you are gone.
Daily I get that realization that you are not here, and I get numb, I get goosebumps. Daily I expect the outcome would be different, I will get news that you are still here and it was all a cruel joke by some sadist sitting high up in the skies.
I always knew death is inevitable, always felt I can handle it.
But not your death. I can handle death, my death.. Yours I never thought. I did think, we all would we be there maybe ten years down the line and it would be at home and peaceful.
I spent my whole life trying to chase away your death, to the extent of becoming obsessed with it and ruining your mood during meal times, how do you expect me to accept it?
My whole existence was centered around keeping you alive. I never realized but it really was my only motto in life. Seeing you happy was my only mission. If you smiled, I could laugh.
If you had a good pain free day, I was over the moon. If you had any dream fulfilled, my whole purpose of life was served. I lived for you mummy. I never realized it, but my happiness was you and only You.
There was no one else, and there would be no one else. Yes I love everyone in my family, but my existence depended on yours. And now you expect me to move on? How?
Before going you should have taught me that also, how to survive without you.
Leave aside surviving, I cannot even accept you are gone. It comes as a surprise to me daily.
Every time I think about you, look at you, I am surprised that you are simply gone.
Why mummy, Why?
Now I am clueless, directionless and motiveless. I am lost and lost totally.
prachisharma658
Aug 18, 2022
1 min read
You were eternally chirpy, I am eternally sad...
you were jovial, I am without life
You were filled with hope, I have lost all...
You had faith, mine is gone with the ashes...
You had dreams, all I bring is nightmares...
you were full of life, I want to romance death...
You were all love, I am filled with hate...
You had compassion, my jealously knows no bounds..
You were helpful, I am cold..
You were good, I am all bad...
You were the calming sea, I am erupting volcano..
You are eternally happy, I am all sad..
You left and I am left with nothing at all..
You left us and truly life itself went away, It turned its face away from me. I have no meaning and no purpose. Yes I have duties and responsibilities, but no dreams, no future.
I lost my life the day I lost you.
prachisharma658
Aug 17, 2022
1 min read
I am in an Ocean and I am trying not to get wet
I am in a desert and I am trying to avoid the sand
I am in the sun and I want to avoid the sunlight
I am in the midst of tress and I don't want to see the green
Can I achieve what I am trying? No?
If this is not possible, how is it possible to be happy in the midst of sorrow, sorrow so deep that it bleeds your heart, a loss so huge that it numbs you completely? loss of the person who brought you into this very world? Can you ever get over it?
prachisharma658
Sep 6, 2022
1 min read
Medically I am alive ,I am dead inside
I feel no taste , food is just food now
I feel no warmth, its all cold inside
I feel no joy, sorrow is my home tonight
I fake smile, tears welled up in my eyes
After dying I am good at faking happiness.
I am stronger , I can laugh at my son's joke, while crying inside.
I am more adjustable now, I have no food preferences.
I am more spiritual now, I welcome death
I am more emotionally stable now, I only feel anger
I am more living now, I can live while being dead inside.
Life has changed me inside out, I am not going to change any more
My whole identity is changed, it cannot be reversed anymore.
Life is all about revenge and payback is bitter
I have lost it all, now its your turn.
prachisharma658
Dec 9, 2022
4 min read
Fight for food and catch her up in cheating and tell also kyun? made her cry once .. she was thinking ki chor hain kya. But inside was all information aise cheat karti hain hain toh kaise hoga. But actually that small here and there i could have let it pass.
(that Poori incident - where I went and said sorry too, went to nilesh also to ask to overcome guilt)
That ladoo thing why i had to prove there were 6 and not 4 she said woh to walk bhi karti hain to walker ki awaz hoti hain... my intenion was again if I can proved that we know.. she might stop doing diet cheat
Told her also we feel so guilty if we have to stop.. but we had to..
Like that 16th Jan : when I ab ho gaya mummy socha tha nahin boloongi but bolna pad gaya..
Like on lunch when I said.. ab to mera bhi khane se mann uth gaya hain.. daily fights ki wajah hain.. jo hain kabhi chup chap kha lo.. something like that
When In afternoon she was watching TV, and I got angry ki kyun dekh rahi ho.. Even nilesh supported mummy as she does not watch regularly : My issue she could have done something in the meantime and not just sat and watched tv.. like walked cooked or anything. But that expectation is itself so wrong.
Potty is i had to clean after her , i would tell her, and she would ask also.. i could have said nahin ekdum saaf tha, that would have avoided any shame for her. I shamed her.
There was no good I got from telling her.
Urine ki smell : used to tell her almost 3-4 days weekly whenever i would smell.. I could have left it.. would even tell her when she will say jyada kaam ho gaya-> ki diaper pehen lo.. Here Intention was that she wears.. but when she said rash hote hain.. then i would say cream laga lo.. yah raat bhar mat peheno only during TV>. but still I stretched it way too much.
Nilesh parents whenever she supported, I would fight more.. and she would say Sorry ab nahin bolungi.. but it was my own fear and guilt and I did not listen to her and made her feel sorry by saying ab kya fayada and all
when she asked choti to make subzi i said phir kya fayada and then explained it all too much to her too.. why did i say that.. intention was that she makes.. there was only hope that she works..does physical activity.. but otherwise also i could have kept silent
Did not say anything but did not talk to her after coming from beach.. as I was hoping she would make paratha but she was watching TV.. did not even make herself Tea.. I would feel guilty for that.. ie i wanted her to be up and running and that would make me so happy so I showed her attitude.. she might not have noticed as she was wtaching TV.. she asked kaisa tha.. I said theek. thats all
she said she cannot work like the way she used to - Need to ask if I fought or talked calmly
did i stop her from speaking when talking to ANkita and asked papa to say?
did I stop her from making kheer too much? did not take out sugar free kheer also even gajar halwa also.. why? it would not have made much differecne. she even had to ask meri kheer kahana hain sugar free wali and i said nahin nikali..
used to dance with ayu on saturdays morning and if she would come.. we will keep dancing and she would sit silently.. not sure if it was because it was morning and she needed some time or generally. I was ignoring her.
she said sorry to me many times.. why she had to?
fought with her for Ayansh.. ki usko time pey kahna nahin deti.. I snapped saying tum bhi to kabhi chodte hogi..s he said kabhi nahin even for four kids.. and i did not ebelieve it I think. But later ayansh stopped crying on getting food so she was right
I did not do any:
Be Willing to Compromise. Just because you are in a caregiving role, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t consider your parent’s point of view. It can be helpful to remember that you should always consider compromising. : I NEVER LISTENED TO HER
Don’t Be Confrontational: Ask, Don’t Tell. Approach touchy situations with caution. Perhaps the current issue at hand is that you have to take your mother’s car keys away from her. Instead of telling her that you’re taking away her keys, ask her how she is feeling about driving and if she has been having any difficulties. This allows you to approach the situation from a neutral perspective instead of from a confrontational one, which can make your parent feel less defensive. Ultimately, if you approach a touchy subject from neutral ground, your parent may be much less resistant and, in some cases, may even offer his or her own solutions. : I ALWAYS WENT HEADON . KHANA PADEGA, KHAO MUMMY< AISE NAHIN CHALEGA AND ALL THAT
Practice Reflexive Listening. Reflexive listening is the act of repeating what someone is saying and then offering your own solution. This is a very useful tactic for escalating arguments as it allows your parents to know they are being understood. NEVER LISTENED TO HER
Remain Calm. As with any argument, always remember to stay calm. If you don’t, you run the risk of escalating the argument further, which will not improve the situation. : IA M NEVER CALM
It brings out another person out of you. You are totally changed. I do not think I can laugh like I used to, be happy like I used to, experience the same Joy. I do feel lot of love when I hug my son or pet my dog. But love is it, I do not feel bliss or happiness, which I used to earlier. I am no longer able to be thankful for anything. There is no point. Whatever you are thankful for will be snatched away from you. I was most thankful for my mother and someone realized it and took her away. Now I am not thankful for anything in life. No definitely not for my life.
Everyone quotes energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Body was not energy, it was matter and matter gets destroyed and it changes forms. But isn't matter also nothing but waveform energy? Then how did it get destroyed? Everyone agrees the body dies. Even with biocentrism or quantum physics, point is that this body, these relations are left right? Agreed soul leaves and moves on maybe in multiverse, maybe to eternal source. But the body is left and so are the relations. I fail to understand why no one talks about that when they say death is an illusion. Is it an illusion to the ones left behind? Ask me, it feels so real to me , I cannot see my mother, talk to her or meet her or call her. So it feel damn real to me , death in all its entirety. I agree we might be able to experience that energy, but is it the same ? No it can never be the same. Why do we never answer that when we say death is just an Illusion and there is nothing to fear. We do not fear our death, and even if someone does, its with relation to what we will leave behind, the child, the spouse or the parents. It never is the body. And those you morn are mourning the loss of someone they were living with. It is very real. Very very real.
so should I just bask in the comfort that we would meet again? Would we? And even if we would, it will not be same body right? but then this can be understood, if I meet you today in red dress and tomorrow in blue, I will be the same person and you will recognize me.
But with soul, I don't right? Or maybe my soul does and I do not as I have that memory filter added to keep that information away from this body?
It sure is interesting to talk, to discuss, I used to tell my mom, do meditation or forgive if not for this then next life. What did I know, she is the one who will never reincarnate, She is far too evolved for that. And what would I know she is giving me the gift in terms of my son.
Me and my fullness of knowing everything, being spiritually ignited and all the stuff.